i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
