just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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