I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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