drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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