Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
