I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
