dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
