this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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