She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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