I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
