it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i think my cat just said my name.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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