I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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