Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My ass is underappreciated
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
