So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
