Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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