they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
