did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
