My sheets look like a crime scene.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
