I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Pants 0. Shit 1.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Randomize
