3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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