We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
