OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
