I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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