why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
