i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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