you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
