The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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