Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
