I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
