when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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