I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
