That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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