Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
