I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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