he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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