im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
