is your mom at the bar?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
how do flat chested girls get laid?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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