i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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