the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
