I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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