I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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