I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
