omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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