1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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