Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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