Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
