"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
