At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
