proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
