shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
