awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
