I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
MIDGETS
????
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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