I think I won the penis lottery.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
