She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
