he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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