aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
