how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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