Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
