wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
