my mouth tastes like poor choices
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
