The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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