he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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