Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
