Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
